mh....(haven't i started many posts with this title?

well i haven't written in a while and it's because all has been well, nothing exciting, nothing unique, no emotional turmoils. nothing. so why am i writing now? because i found this comic thingie and well it's not the content at all that impresses me, but rather the art. or more so the style of art. for some strange reason when i see it my eyebrows frown and my lips tighten and inside of me my heart seems to be tied by an ever-pulling string. in other words it saddens me. that art somehow brings feelings of melancholy, of a lost life, of loneliness. and then as i read more and more of this comic i start to realize that maybe things are not so "ok". i am lonely. i feel that i have no one to talk to. again. i have no one to show my love to. again. i lead a pathetic life. sometimes i wish i would end, so that i could rest; but i guess that would be the easy way and i can never seem to take it. that art reminds me of lazy afternoons in cali where i would take old dusty books from an old chest in my great grandma's house and sit on those cool stone steps to read strange russian stories. i miss those days. those days were filled with fantasy, everything was new, i felt magical, i was so innocent! and now i'm so sad. i had a million friends then, whenever i felt i wanted company all i had to do was go out. now, if i need a friend i just wait until i have to go to sleep and then imagine what it would be like if i actually had one until i fall asleep. i feel like crying now.
i'm so sad because i don't think i CAN have any friends anymore. i guess i'm too picky? i just want someone with whom i can talk to and go see some movies and play video games and laugh about crap with, you know? but nowadays i think finding people who are open to other people is hard. everyone seems to have their own clique and seem reluctant to let people in, or at least that is how i percieve it. this sadness makes me want to forget about it all and just separate myself from everyone. that way i won't feel like i'm looking for anything or anybody, i just...exist for myself and that is it. a hermit amidst people. sometimes i feel that living in such a manner would be the most comfortable way for me to be. i would never bother anyone and no one would bother me. wouldn't that be nice?