been a while

i guess no one reads this anymore, so might as well start writing again. what do i have to write tonight? what can i tell myself? why do i need to write this here so anyone can see instead of writing it in a small notebook? i dont know. i'm a whiner that's what i do. if anyone can be called emo-boy, it's i. so what's so emo about me? i feel sad. sad because i don't know what i am going to do with my life. sad because i feel i'm slipping and i can't stop it. sad because i feel that any moment now things will come crashing and my family will think i'm a weakling. i hate that my family "feels" that only the strong are worthwhile. i hear it all the time from my dad and mom, how being strong against all pains and suffering is someone that's good. what's wrong with them? how can my brother do it? i look up to him a lot for this reason. it seems that no matter what, my brother will face anything with a most non-chalant attitude. it's as if he cares for nothing. it's that true? he seems like a robot. i wish i were like him. i wish i could at least hide all my feelings like him. i'm so weak and no matter how i try to hide it my mom and dad know it and they look down on me for it. i don't like it. i need to change. i need to change my life. i need to destroy it to the point where all becomes numb. i hate love. it makes me smile and puts a fire in me that makes me vulnerable. i wish i were free from it. but i'm not, so i'm sad. and i'm weak. i need to get away from everything. i wish i could go and forget my family and friends, but could i do that? i really love my familiy and my friends...
oh well. that's all for now. aren't i whiny? i remember my music teacher once asking me if i wanted some cheese to go with my "wine". Well yes, i want some cheese because all these serious stuff seriously needs something cheesy to lighten it up.
ja.