stories to tell

What would my younger self think of my life? I gaslit myself into thinking what I do is somehow a creative outlet. It’s not. I am just another cog in the dumb machine. And I think I’m too exhausted or boring to do anything that makes my life worth it to me. In my head my friendships keep slipping away. As time passes I keep alienating my relationships. Even those that I thought were the most important. From a community to loneliness. That could be the title of my autobiography.  I miss what potential I once had. I’m in my twilight having made nothing. The sands of time have no edge to erode away. Who would want to be around me? I am old and tired. Makes me boring. I need to find other old people. 

 I don’t know how to distinguish love. I am a failure of a human. 

 Some days like today I feel I’m a broken puzzle piece. I think about where I belong and I find myself lacking any space. Everything seems forced and I feel bad about myself. It makes me want to leave. I feel or imagine all my friends are slowly retreating away from me. And I understand why. I don’t like me either. I am dumb, arrogant, stubborn, delusional; an idiot pretending to be likable. But people know. There’s just too much time or social pressure out just gentleness by those who know me to sever ties immediately with me. I am sorry to you all. I thought I could be good company but deep down I know I’m just a garbage human. I want to stop torturing you.  I don’t deserve friends or family. I have been daydreaming lately of never having existed at all. Everyday I just wish I could cease to be. But I hate myself so much that I don’t even make my wishes come true. I just continue in this world. Constantly knowing I do not contribute anything good. Anything unique. Any joy to...

 I don’t like you anymore. But every time I think of you my mind blanks out on everything else.  I always think of you.  I like you still. But whenever I hear you the hairs on the back of my neck stand up like soldiers after reverie.  I hear you sing  even in my dreams.  You never liked me. But the laughter and camaraderie were warmth for those lonely days.  You were always a little by yourself.  You liked me. But only on ways that meant we could always keep a distance.  You are now so far away that oceans drown our voices. 

 hay alguien que verderamente me extrañaria? si mi corazon dejara de latir, que alma sentiria tristeza por el silencio? si no existiera un mas respiro en mis pulmones, habria un corazon esperando mi oxigeno? [el silencio es enorme en esta habitacion, oscura y callada]

 I will miss this place. In this corner by the pine tree I feel secluded from the passersby. The lake breeze feels like a cozy blanket, not hot or cold but just right. The rustling of the nearby bushes lead me to ponder whether it’s birds or bunnies or just the wind dancing with the leaves.  Dancing how I dreamt of dancing with you. With out bodies close and moving filled with whimsy and fun. A smile on both of our faces as we step a little off beat.  But it was a dream I had while sitting in this spot. A dream that was just as dumb as hoping for world peace. As I sit here I keep thinking I will miss this place. It brings me peace and joy still. The people canoeing exist in a bubble floating away with what I can only imagine is effervescent happiness. Or pure zen.  But I feel the tug of the next space. I am finished here and all my dreams are vanishing as I wake up to my depleted existence. I’ve done it all I feel. I’ve been happy, sad, in love, heartbroken. I’ve lea...

 i see the wavelengths radiating off your body get redder and redder. what cosmic explosion set us to drift apart? was it new, or were we never destined to be together, forever running away from each other since the big bang? I see the look in your eyes as you accelerate into pure energy. time stops and the laws of physics break just to see you fly free. is there an astronomical attraction pulling you away? some dark matter pulling at your heart strings that i can't see? or does gravity not work between us? Oh comet! how many eons until i see your face again! I'll sit here, burning with desire until your icy self visits once more.