forbidden letter

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(This was written in 2023. Seems ages ago  the start of a story I never dared finished writing)

 i like you. even though i'm not supposed to. it's silly perhaps. or it could be seriously wrong. to me it just feels normal. but maybe to you it would be weird and gross. i keep telling myself i should want someone like you. not you. basically an imaginary version of you that matches with me in age and place in life. but that's hard to find. does it even exist out there? as far as i know you are unique. i mean how can so many interesting attributes ALSO exist in someone else? it's laughable. 

yet i still like you. i some times day dream of holding your hand. or of stealing a kiss if we were together. i'd like to have secret touches or lingering looks or sneaky sounds that unite us when no one else can see. i like you and every day i tell myself to just be happy i get to talk to you and be around you. i tell myself that we can't be together. because it's true. i have to believe it's true because otherwise i'm letting my baseless fears beat me out of a possible amazing life. but it's impossible. so when i get happy that you smile at one of my jokes or when you offer me a candy or a water or anything i tell myself to just keep riding the good flows. enjoy the flushed cheeks that only i understand. enjoy the fluttering of my heart. enjoy the good company that you bring. enjoy learning from you. 

because if we can't be lovers, then at least i should love being your friend. and i do.

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