Still

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I wonder if you’d like to go on more walks with me. If we were together would you hold hands as we walk? I wonder what you would say if I told you I wanted to date. Would you be shocked? Alarmed? Disappointed? That classic, and maybe silly, “I don’t want to lose the friendship” thought keeps me from saying something. I don’t want to be that guy that is your friend only to date you. I hate that trope. I didn’t become your friend to get into your pants. But oh boy do I have it bad for you now. 

It started small. First it was after years of being friends I still enjoyed getting to know little deeper things about you. For a forgetful person like me to remember childhood nicknames was a strange realization. I ignored it thinking it was just a fluke. Then little by little how I felt around you kept getting new facets and perspectives. Now it’s kaleidoscope of feelings! They are all beautiful and different and I love every one. We can be talkative friends about life, and in an instant enjoy silence. We can hang out and do our own thing while being connected, and we can also enjoy being surrounded by friends. We can also be flirty and fun but also kind of seductive and romantic. I love listening to you talk about science as much as food or sports or whatever else is on your mind. I enjoy listening because your mind is intelligent and challenges my own in a way that makes me smile. I learn things when we are together and I find that a wonderful part of our life. 

But I don’t know if you feel that deeply. So kaleidoscopic. Maybe I am just a 2D plane of friend to you. And frankly that’s amazing too. Because I still get to enjoy your company and your thoughts. I still get to have fun and learn from you. I don’t want to ruin the friendship by having you think I do not value it. I don’t want you to think I’m your friend and love you (as a friend) because I have feelings for you. These are separate. But they are hard to communicate. They are hard to have someone understand. 

I think the best course of action is to not say anything. I’m sure we’ll go on more walks and enjoy each other’s company more this way. I love our friendship. 

Still….

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