stories to tell

 Death; inevitable seeping shadow, that cools on the  hottest of summers. Sadness; a slowly pulsating engulfing lava, burning the newly borne flowers, leaving everything to renew. Love; indescribable, encompassing peace. A breeze in an arid desert, a delicious chocolate in a mediocre dessert. Safety, warmth, a hug, a smile after a hard effort. Indescribable. 

 what is more beautiful than a mystical sky when the sunset comes in full of reds and oranges and the water reflects the clouds in shades and shadows and then they glide, shimmering and beautiful? the stars and the moon; pale and wonderfully fair how to fix your gaze on one? the sky keeps changing colors, ever darkens and the stars and moon grow brighter and their allure mystifies and charms my ever hungry heart and soul. i'd drown if my obsession of their lovely frame like an angel held me just afloat over the dark green water. which is more pleasing, which is more enchanting? the stars or the moon.

 pursed, moist, brilliant, silken kiss of a sweet breeze summer never ends

inundated by the sounds of your laughs i swim happy to drown in your voice while waves crash above  and the sun is brightened by your alabaster sculptures and cardinal lips.   in a dark and dusty basement a fluttering breath of a humming bird's wings for a minuscule growing plant is more than life; it is happiness. the silhouette of your flames blinds i freely fly into the darkest light while ephemeral licks of pain and pleasure of fire and light and beauty that your shadow dares copy end at the tip of your hips.

  Flowing through the countryside with the dark green grass on my left and the deep blue of the ocean on my right.   All I can do I think about you. The way the sun shines on the waves reminds me of your smile. The way you breathe out when you laugh and I can’t help but feel like those waves, warned by the embrace of the light.  The train moves on and we go through little towns. Little houses, all clean and quaint. Picturesque on the hillside with their gardens.  And yet I day dream with you. Flowers of all colors and sizes dance with the gentle breeze and kiss the air with their fragrance. And yet I can tell you with no fear that you are more enchanting than all of them, you hair more resplendent and your air sweeter still.  Through forests we now roll. A cool shade kisses the hard metallic frame, offering a calmness oasis. In the distance windmills wave goodbye wishing for better adventures.  Multicolored moss adorns the idyllic grounds, making beauty out...

the way you smile brightens my heart. your stifled laughter and funny guffaws are so adorable that my insides hurt yearning to hold you, to hug you. but this pain is that of pleasure, that of daydreams, and love.   long and firm are your legs and when you have those shorts and your muscles shine in the sun there is no flower or goddess more beautiful.   the way you smile and your lips move apart fill my dreams and joy exudes so much that i dance alone, desiring to be with you but it's all a small measure, a silly dream, of love.

work:  i am pretending to work right now. i don't know why i'd do this if i could just be working instead. i want to work. i really do. i have this gnawing pressure to finish my work, this growing anxiety. and  yet i just can't work on it .  how do people do it? it's like i feel that what i need to do is useless. i can imagine it but my hands can't write. i'd rather be doing an experiment, collecting information, getting data, interpreting that data. but then having to write a chapter on the information? ugh. why can't the world of textbook just be a bunch of bullet points? trust me, i know what i'm doing .  i don't what to do i guess. is this an attention disorder or am i just a lazy bum? there's also so many little things to organize and change and do that i feel frozen on how to even start. i end up just staring at the screen. it's like a big scary ghost, as long as i stare at it i will not be consumed by it. however, it keeps growing and ...

  Lucius John was moving into his new apartment. His third since he got Lucius the squirrel. Lucius had been a gift from his ex-girlfriend, a break-up present if you will. It was all brown save for a "racing" white stripe that ran from the tip of his nose all the way to the tip of his short little tail. John figured he had a short tail due to an accident or something similar, it ended abruptly, as if his maker had ran out of bushy strands. He never asked Patty where she got the squirrel, he was more concerned about her leaving him than the squirrel, and always wondered if she had always carried it in her car, waiting for that moment. He could have let the squirrel go, put in a park or a sewer, and save himself a lot of trouble but something did not let him. John kept Lucius through the loss of friends and lovers and, after being thrown out of two apartments buildings, he had finally found an adequate one. It was a loft, with high ceilings and plenty of space for Lucius. ...

 song of the moment:  these days i've been feeling that pain in your heart of being in love, or being heart broken, or starting something monumental in your life. the problem is that i don't know why. it strikes the hardest when i look at the newly growing leaves.  i feel like i'm floating through, engrossed in impassioned desire, the days and nothing can anchor me. the sun, the rain, the clouds, the sunset, daydreams of kisses and hugs and embraces, all these things speeding my heart and creating a pain of a black hole in my chest. with the elation of love being felt there's the dread that accompanies it. a solitude that is felt the strongest when i'm sitting and the shadows of the night creep up. i've been on three dates now and they all have been lacking. and not because the people are not interesting or nice, but there's just no...chemistry. maybe that's what has me so distraught. i want to feel in love but i can't fulfill it. i think i may give ...

 quick weekend recap: friday: met with c and j to get some ciders and crepes. it was nice. dog didn't bite me this time. saturday: rained all day, met with e at night. by miracle she invited me to her place to play mariokart. it was fun. her dog is amazing as always. sunday: met with r and j for brunch and colombian grocery shopping. the brunch food was amazingly delicious. the company was a lot of fun too. we then walked around the neighborhood and it was good. very cool peeps.  extra: played a new video game with the bestie. it was awesome. reminiscent of WoW days. we talked on the phone while we played and it was a laugh fest as we kept making mistakes but eventually succeeded on our missions. monster hunter promises to be fun.   

 went to work. walked far for coffee with r and m and a. worked a bit more. lunch to far away indian place. by far away i mean more than 15 minutes walking. boss insisted again on setting me up with familiy friend. i said i would try to reach out even though i know it won't work because this person is a super christian girl and i'm almost an anti-theist. still. will probably text sometime friday. i also got a text from hinge date#1. she just wanted to confirm for the 3rd. that'll be interesting.  had an extra experiment with r that didn't go too well unfortunately. hopefully we got something interesting for at least an abstract.  the rest of the evening went normal. it was beautiful day and i wish i had biked to work. was there drama today?maybe? but not as much as yesterday. i think the lack of sleep is my biggest drama creator. talked to r about our group trip to the cabin. i think as long as we can relax about everything and e can be relaxed and having fun it'll ...

 super quick update just to keep the habit: -went to work at 6am in mega rain -cadaver study -first morning stage i worked with the lead vest on. heavy and annoying and hot. -got hospital breakfast. took most of the students up with me. got a fresh omelette du fromage and a juice and a coffee. excellent.  -came back to second stage of work -got lunch.  -more work -clean up -went home in less rain thoughts: we spoke about our upcoming hiking trip. about car assignments and who is driving who. is it bad that my first thought was about coming up with an excuse to get out of going? i think i may not be as welcome in this trip. i'm older and not as fun anymore. i used to be a jester but lately i just feel like a bitter old man. i don't think these kids would want a sourpuss around.  especially because i feel like i'm feuding with e without an actual feud. it's weird, but we seem to be at odds for everything these days. i say something, and immediately she puts it down. i ...

 i think i get affected emotionally because it feels like i've invested in a friendship that was never reciprocated to begin with. the day started normal enough. went to work. it was a classic david and co. day. i had to work with the thigh again. this time, we knew what to do to get some good staining. around noon i had little time to get lunch but thankfully r and j picked it up for me. then we had about 25 minutes to eat it before the experiments continued. i watched jeopardy with r, a, m, and j while i ate. i'm pretty certain we'd be pretty good as a team in bar trivia. one day we'll go. we got about an episode and a half before we had to go back to work. throughout the morning e had been in a quiet and sour mood. at some point after lunch i had to go into the office and she had a mean look on her face. i asked her what was wrong, if she was ok. she responded that she was upset because she has been trying to work and we had been too distracting during our jeopardy s...

 it was normal day, as far as those go. i worked a bit from home. then went into lab. e asked me if i was going to make a plan for lunch. i told her i would be there before lunch and we could walk to get something. once i arrived i saw that everyone else was also at work. and they all biked to work too! the warm days are coming.  we walked to a sandwich place. r came with us and it was a nice walk. the day was beautiful. if i hadn't had to work i probably would have taken the day off to do a long bike ride. back at work i played a round of jeopardy with r during lunch. then afterwards i helped e solve a problem with her wiring in her project and then i helped her finish her project box. then i came back and worked with r on her coding project. sometimes i wonder if i only like coding these kinds of things because they are easy and they have solutions, or i just like it because i actually like coding. should i change the direction of my career to do more software type of things...

 i feel extremely sleepy. all of the nights of this weekend i've been too tired to write. tonight included, so i'll be brief. maybe i should stop writing my daily things. we'll see. saturday: early morning i was invited by m and wu to go bouldering. it was fun. it had been a long time since i had tried it. m has improved a lot in the time since the first time we went and she was climbing probably at almost r level. it was fun because it meant she could push me to do/try certain problems i wouldn't otherwise. right now i feel that i may have overdone it just a tiny bit because 50% of my body aches whenever i move. but it's fun. and hopefully this means i'm a little stronger now.  in the afternoon i met with r and j for a nice lunch and cocktail hour. i'll be damned if it wasn't fun. i'm really happy these people are into this because there was something missing from my life after cy left and i just found out what it was: high end libations and food. i...

 woke up hella early today to get to work in time for a possible human specimen. turns out we didn't get it. but it's alright, it allowed me to do the extra experiment i had aside for me. it was staining some thigh. some of them hams. them gams. thicc af swine legs. i'm happy i got r to help me in lab. i would not tell her this in fear that may think it is insulting but she is in many ways very similar to myself. actually, she's like me but without my emotional mess. our attitudes mesh very well in our approaches to work and in our priorities of said work. i think we could build prototypes that work (but may be ugly) in record time. our only problem is that we also have a penchant for enjoying the better parts of life. this leads us to getting side tracked pretty easily by delicious food, conversation, and taylor swift. but other than that i think we get shit done. and get it done well. so the fact that she's been helping me with this gams staining has been a mini b...

 woke up ready for work. unsure of work for the company or for lab. however as i was gettign ready for my wfh time i get a snapschat of a highly organized circuit. it was beautiful. i replied with some line about how amazing it was.  "i need to solder all of it still. want to help?" do i want to help? i don't know. do you need help? are you asking? or are you giving me the chance to do your work? i know the previous sentence sounds like i am salty about it. but i am not. maybe a bit. but it's because i don't understand the nature of our friendship. if r asked me that i would not even think about it. i would not care for the words or manner of asking for help. but with her i just don't know where she's coming from. i do enjoy helping her. i do want to help her. but am i just a tool for her? only nice when she needs something i can do for her? i don't know.  so i went in to help her. at first it was very serious, matter of fact work. i asked what she ne...

 so this will be short because i am tired and want to sleep. i hope. went to work. did experiments. a little disappointing results unfortunately. everything else was meh. except for crunchy mochi snacks! those were pretty good.  throughout the day i felt myself sinking into a depression. i keep to what's not there. i keep daydreaming and feeling bad when they don't (trans)substantiate. irrational. i even ranted about this stuff to r. ugh so embarrassing. i really need to know when to just close off from people. i guess part of the dark mood is to also alienate people, and what better way than to get very personal and stupid. which is what i did. to probably the only person that still likes my company. sorry r. i will do better. got home rather early but just in time to clean my apartment and get ready for my virtual date courtesy of the apps. the date was with cm. it started pretty good. we each had 5 beers to try out and the conversation flowed well. we went through the usual...

 this one will be very brief. i think. woke up. determined to have a productive day. i had a plan for morning work at home followed by afternoon work in the office. turns out i took too long getting up from my bed and by the time i was ready for work i had to head over to the office. i decided i would do the home portion in the later evening. i also had to go buy groceries. waiting for the train the first snowflakes start to fall.  on the train i ordered lunch to pick it up on the way to work. it was afrodeli because why not treat myself to a nice monday right? on the walk to the restaurant e asks me if i'm going to work. i told her i was on my way but getting lunch on the way. she said she was going to ask me about that. she had already asked m about going with her but he didn't want lunch. ok. maybe i'm misunderstanding her, but it sounds like "negging" lol. like "hey want to do something? i had someone better in mind but they canceled on me so i'm just...

 not much today. woke up, listened to music. tried to make breakfast but realized i have no groceries. stuck to the bed and my pajamas for way too long. finally, one of the people i've been talking to in hinge proposed maybe a meeting in the early afternoon. i read it too late and so when i said yes i didn't expect her to respond. she ultimately didn't but i still got ready and left my apartment just in case. it was also an excuse to get out and enjoy the last bit of warmth of the weekend before it faded away.  once outside i walked around the park and did some pretty enjoyable people watching. then i texted r and joined her and j in their grocery run. i hope i didn't intrude too much. maybe i need to back off a little haha, this is the second weekend i've seen them socially and they may tire of me, e style. so i gotta be more careful. it was fun nonetheless though! it's always easy to talk to them and whatever the topic we usually can have fun. i really should ...