pretending to work

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work:

 i am pretending to work right now. i don't know why i'd do this if i could just be working instead. i want to work. i really do. i have this gnawing pressure to finish my work, this growing anxiety. and  yet i just can't work on it.  how do people do it? it's like i feel that what i need to do is useless. i can imagine it but my hands can't write. i'd rather be doing an experiment, collecting information, getting data, interpreting that data. but then having to write a chapter on the information? ugh. why can't the world of textbook just be a bunch of bullet points? trust me, i know what i'm doing. 

i don't what to do i guess. is this an attention disorder or am i just a lazy bum? there's also so many little things to organize and change and do that i feel frozen on how to even start. i end up just staring at the screen. it's like a big scary ghost, as long as i stare at it i will not be consumed by it. however, it keeps growing and growing and growing. i need to just blank out my brain and tackle the problem little by little right? maybe i'll try tomorrow. 


personal life:

so i broke it off with c. it was while coming. we dated for a while but i just never felt the emotions growing. never felt falling in love. and i didn't feel it was going to happen. so it wouldn't be fair to continue it longer. she wanted a deeper relationship and i couldn't get there with her. 

so i'm single again. no more cuddles, although part of the problem is that i wasn't getting any cuddles anyway.

on the other hand i think i'm getting some flirty vibes from someone new. i'm not sure though. i am also kinda flirting back but also not entirely sure? she is not my type but the banter is pretty fun. 

also it is effortless to hang out with her. i dont know. i'll keep my mind open? or maybe i'm just projecting what i'd like to have since i do want some cuddle times. also, she's one of the very few single women i know, so maybe that's why i think of her? i also don't know how old she is. i know she's not as young as my coworkers but i doubt she's close to my age, so maybe that's a problem there too. argh why am i even thinking about this? i'm just trying to waste time.

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