a need to sober up my mind

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 25000 steps today. 

Morning: woke up and pretty much had to meet a r for fancy coffee. I felt a little weird because she had to pick me up to get to the place. i don't like that because i feel like it makes people less inclined to hang out with me if they think they have to pick me up. i offered to meet her there but she refused. the ride itself was fun. i acted as the navigator using her phone while she listened to evermore songs. the coffee shop was pretty much what you'd expect. it was small with little wooden tables along the wall and a chalk board behind the counter. they also had some pastries and i couldn't help but to buy one. we got some fancy coffee with 'tajin' in it. 

unknown time:

We went to a new park. we walked in the snow and talked. a little bit of everything. i told her about her super leggings. gosh how embarrassing haha. i brought up cy. i guess she's been on my mind lately. i don't know why. i even dreamed with her last night. in my dream she loved me still. her smile was on my mind when i woke up. she smiling because we were about to kiss. i woke up feeling happy and surrounded by peace. writing about it now feels me with sadness and pain. r said that it's tough because our end wasn't full of regrets or misgivings. but is there anything i can do? the park was beautiful though. i took some pictures to send the family. i then realized i need to shave because i'm starting to look like a madman.

Evening:

back home. i asked e if i could pass by her place to give d his christmas gifts. i said i was on my way to get coffee as an excuse to pass by. i don't know why but i feel apprehensive showing up unannounced at her place. i guess she's so guarded sometimes that i don't want to mess with out friendship. fortunately though she not only was receptive but offered to come to my place and give me some of the soil i had asked her for my plants AND go walking with me to the coffee place! with d!! the best dog in the universe.

i can't understand how happy i was to have in my apt. it was so nice. like not only was i not alone, but the apartment itself wasn't as empty or sad. even if it was for a minute, the world i live in felt a little more livelier. afterwards we went out walking. we got coffee, i got some fancy coffee again but this time the flavor were not in my favor. it had cardamom but it was too strong, making the coffee feel cheap and weird. we talked about everything too. i brought up cy with her too. her answer was that maybe i should get someone, anyone (?), so that it could help me get over her. i guess it's possible. but just the mere fact that i can't find anyone i would want to be with is a problem. at least not anyone who would reciprocate it anyway. i feel i'm stuck. in love only with women who would never be with me. 

 night:

cooked dinner. watched tv. thinking that darwin deez should write the soundtrack to my life. 

 

thoughts: feeling heartbroken. would she ever love me again? could she? does she even remember me? would i want her too? is love real? does anyone know? i feel drunk without her.

Comments

Otakitty said…
Love is real. What would happen if you reach out to her again? Yolo
7:31 PM
Unknown said…
haha i wish. what would happen is that she would probably say "david who? i don't remember you". sometimes i think i over romanticize my relationships with people. i wished they liked me more and so i imagine they do. but then i sober up and realize they probably never loved me like i thought they did.
3:17 PM
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