crocs in the snow

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 not a very interesting day.


morning: left for work wearing crocs and no hat. it was freezing. on the train there was a woman who was being hit on by some random dude. i don't know how well received it was. i don't think it was invited. i didn't know what to do. i didn't know if there's anything to do! if a person intervenes it calls more attention to the woman and she might not want that. she might also not want a man interfering in her battles. it's just a great injustice that women have to be subjected to harassment constantly, and there's not a clear answer. violence is always there looming behind every creeper's compliment. argh, the world can suck sometimes.


work: nothing unusual. had meetings for both of my jobs. got things to do for both places. feeling slowed down by the overwhelming amount of work that needs to be done. i must step back recall the "one thing at a time" idiom. 

talked about weddings to r today. it was interesting as it brought back my own plans. it feels like it was not long ago that i was planning to get married. i guess c has been on my mind since i tried to text her last night. being worried about my father i reached out to her. she didn't respond of course. then this morning a song came out that we danced on one of our first dates. then r asked about our wedding plans. then my mom asked if i knew anything about her this evening. 

 

evening: left work earlier than expected because i wanted to keep talking to r. at this point i think she's the only friend i have in the city with whom i am just comfortable in conversation. so i didn't want to cut it short when she wanted to go home. besides, she offered a ride home. once at home got to cooking. it took me 2 hours to start eating. the recipe said about 1 hour. liars. 

 

night: watched tv. nothing interesting.

 

Thoughts: i think i talk too much about myself. i give away too much. open my heart and mind too much to others. i fear it may put me at a disadvantage. i don't know why. others don't do it. why do i? i think it's my need to create deeper friendships so they don't leave me. i am now also thinking that i have been deluding myself all this time. i have been thinking that the people in my surroundings think of me as their peer, but it's not so. i'm their "old" friend. like a cool uncle. but not a part of the group of friends. i need to really implant it in my mind that they see me as a separate entity socially. this way i can be prevent getting hurt when i'm not as close a friend as i want to be.  

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