snow in the park

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 morning:

woke up well rested. or so i think. according to fitbit had one of my highest sleeping scores ever: 88. not bad. I did however woke up lazy. i looked up at my phone and the message from yesterday was still waiting on my phone. i had left it unread hoping that their window to hang out with me had passed already. i had my excuse ready but then i opened it "hey do you want to catch up tomorrow evening or afternoon?". RATS! i felt obliged to say yes. lately i have not wanted to be social at all. but i also don't want to lose the few friends i have. i proposed that we go out and walk their dog in a park somewhere near my home.

i wanted breakfast but i was lazy so i just laid in my bed and then rolled onto my couch watching tv. the morning turned into the afternoon.

 

afternoon:

i had two hours before my play date. i summed up the energies to take a shower and run to the grocery store. i bought cheese, a lot of it for some reason, bread, ham, and other stuff. weirdly enough, the store did not have pepper with the little grinder on top. it was disappointing. i returned home with about 30 minutes to spare so i decided to eat. i ate half of a rotisserie chicken and camembert cheese on crackers with orange jam. it wasn't bad. 

met up with friends and went to the park with their dog. boy oh boy does that dog still need training. she pulls everywhere she fancies and she pulls at full force.  it is a bit of a shame because she can be such a nice dog sometimes. it's hard because it appears that my friends, and especially jon, are having a tough time. j asked me if i could take the dog for a weekend, i said sure and asked if he was traveling or something. he replied that he wasn't but the dog wasn't letting him sleep. the dog is not letting him rest. it's been i think over 6 months and the dog is not letting him sleep or rest? and he even has another person in the house who can take care of it? i almost wanted to ask why couldn't c take care of the dog but i decided to better ask about that separately. i mean, if SHE also needs a break from the dog, then maybe their problems are larger than what just a weekend can do. 

anyway, we walked and jogged and at some point ran through the heavy snow in the park. it was awesome. i do like walking in snow a lot. it feels fun. you can get hot but only for a bit. maybe i like it because when i run it's only for a small distances. after about an hour we decided to get some coffee and warm up. they discussed about going back to their place and watching tv or something. i told them i had to work tonight. being outside and walking was very nice. but i am still not ready for close quarters socializing. i felt dread at the thought of it. 

 

evening and night:

returned and went back out to buy more groceries and stuff for the apartment. i also bought ice cream. chunky monkey. it was good. i ate the whole pint. i now have a stomach ache. ha. i watched tv until now. washed clothes.

 

Thoughts: why am i dreading being with friends? i want to say it's because as long as i don't get close to anyone i won't disappoint anyone. i don't have to fear not being cool enough, or saying interesting things, or just not being a weirdo. if i stay home then no one can know what a bad person i am. i think that's better. also i can stop trying to make "real" friendships with people. i need to learn to be happy with myself first. so maybe i should do that. isolate until i'm happy with myself. then maybe make friends. these people are also very young and maybe it's just weird to hang out with such an old person like myself. i'm sure they don't see me as their equal. i'm their "old" friend. i am beginning to not like being the old dude, the cool step-father vibes guy. i want to be just another person part of the group. bah, humbug!

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