Boring journaling

 i've heard that it's good practice to keep a journal. i'm going to try it again. just a daily accounts of whatever i've done throughout the day or random thoughts. maybe it'll help cope with the loneliness that gets overwhelming at times. 

 coffee:

today i woke up. i thought about making breakfast before a meeting. but as always i dragged my feet and only had time to make coffee, or so i thought! i decided to make two cups to fill a large tumbler but unfortunately the amount of ground coffee was too much for my small cloth filter. i tried to force it in anyway. the grounds were almost to the brim before i started pouring the water. needless to say, as i was brewing i had to stop halfway to jump in the meeting. 

meeting:

the meeting went as well as i imagined. my pi went overboard with how much we can do, while ignoring the actual wants of the clients. it is unfortunate that i also work for the client and now i have to appease both sides by working on both sides of the project. it sounds like an impossible task given that i hope to finish in one year or less in this lab. i thought about speaking up and bringing up objections here or there. i thought about speaking up and reminding my pi about confirming what the scope of the project was, but i didn't. he wouldn't hear me. so i will take things one step at a time. do what i can and move on when the time comes in. hopefully i'll be able to move on. miracles have happened right?

yoga:

After the meeting i felt tired. not physically but tired of life. the meeting left me feeling the weight of an insurmountable list of items that need to be done. i don't want to start them now. so i wanted to close myself to work. I thought about cooking. but then i felt fat. thinking about my friend who does yoga daily i forced myself to do it as well. just for today. maybe i won't feel so undeserving of her friendship if i do it every once in a while. it was rough. it was a practice mainly dedicated to breathing and core improvements. i felt totally out of yoga shape. i wish i hadn't stopped doing yoga last year. 

lunch:

cooked parsely chicken with roasted root veggies. the recipe called for a sauce but frankly i didn't want to spend the time and effort to make the sauce. i also didn't want to wash more things. washing dishes has now become the biggest annoyance with cooking. it's the freaking worst.

afternoon:

spent the afternoon binge watching tv. i opened up the windows to rid the house of cooking smells and laid in the couch with a nice blanket. i couldn't move because the world outside the blanket was too cold. so i just stayed and watched tv. it was fun. then it got dark. then i finished my tv. i didn't know what else to do. 

dinner:

cut some slices of my own bread to make grilled cheese. it was delicious. i had some small issue turning the sandwich over in the pan. i hate it each bread slice is not perfectly above the other one. i tried to fix it but i almost burned myself. i had to cope and live with some cheese sticking out one side. 

night:

more tv followed by youtube. what a night. 

thoughts:

i'm not too optimistic about how lonely i'll be this year. throughout last year i felt that my friendships were slowly dying. i do feel like distancing from them. i know it's a dumb strategy but i am afraid of being hurt again. they have lives that are much better without me in them. without me butting in and asking them to spare time for me. i need to fight against these feelings. but it's hard.