broken heart

biked to work again. it's so great. especially since it was so nice and warm-ish. as i was arriving r and j were coming in their bikes as well. it was very nice to see them. then j invited me to celebrate his graduation with a drink-a-thon (just one bottle, nothing too crazy) of this weird greek mythological (as made so by r) libation. it even has a name that says it'll either kill me or make me a demi-god. maybe it'll finally awaken the super powers that i've been waiting for since i was 8.

once in the office things went as usual. the experiments went as well as could have been expected in the morning. i still need to tweak a bit on getting the final results but i think i'm getting there. What was interesting was how disinterested everyone else in lab seems to be about the experiments going on. it used to be that most phd students would be present during the entire day of experiments. helping, watching, learning, being actively engaged with whatever science and or networking opportunities that are happening. now, all the students just hole themselves in the office unless it's something that applies directly to them. i understand e being like that because she probably thinks she's above it all. t has just never really been a "real" phd student in my eyes so i never expected it of him. r was the beginning of the fall. when she joined in with at it was time of upheaval and massive disillusionment. we were all tired and exhausted all the time. so we took refuge whenever we didn't have to be "on". but it became the norm to them. and now, it's becoming the norm to the new students as well. the default location for them should NOT be the office. they are missing out on a lot by forgetting to be present. it's not their fault or anyone's, but i think they are losing an important aspect of joining this lab. and i don't want to be the jerk who is constantly reminding them to be there. to do their jobs. 

anyway, today felt like a day where my coworkers left the lab down. even when they were tasked to make a new buffer, they saw no urgency. like c'mon! the fucking heart is dying and you don't even try? "oh it's not mixed yet". well put your hand and churn it until it's done. if the tub is dirty, then move on and try a different one. for god's sake we just bought 4 new tubs!! but they didn't care. the experiment failed, the heart died, the lab failed its duty. what bothered me is that they did not care. it didn't seem to bother them that we just threw away thousands of dollars down the sink. not to mention that we also look bad in front of possible employers. it's just...it was a shitty attitude and we need to wake up from that. i'm including myself because i also felt relief of being able to leave work early. i shouldn't feel that way. we also just had a whole week of no experiments. so it's not like we're tired. i don't know what we need to do to get out of this funk. because if we don't, the lab is going to the shitter.

after work i decided to make sandwich bread for the week. i made a loaf for e since she kinda likes the breads i make and it's easy (or easier sometimes) to make 2 instead of 1. i used a new flour from a local vendor. it's whole wheat but this one was "wholier" than my previous flour. the bread came out tasty, but a little...whole grainy. i wonder what e will think. 

now i'm just tired but i can't sleep. 

asymmetrical loaves