middle of the (emotional) road

 morning:

casual style. the curtains did keep the apartment darker but not as dark as i thought they would. it's incredible how much light came come through the 10 inch gap between curtains. sunlight is literally more powerful than any darkness.

made the crazy fancy gesha coffee in the french press. it was delightful but i think i still prefer the pour over for fancy (i.e. delicate and complex) coffee beans. i checked my emails and then decided to make arepas for breakfast like a good colombian kid. At this point it was around 11am and i had to get ready for work. unfortunately there's heavy construction nearby my building and the sounds were so loud that my glasses were rattling. i texted e if she was experiencing the same insanity or if it was only on my side of the building but she was running some errands and would head into the office afterwards. 

i was ambivalent then. i wanted to go to work but lately e has been a little on what i feel is an anti-david streak. on the other hand, i did go to lab yesterday and spent it with r so i felt like maybe i should go and be with e so things would even out? it doesn't make sense but in a way i thought it would. like in some insane over-thought out world e could think i'm preferring r's company over hers and then it could make her anti-david streak get worse. so i decided to go to the office. test the waters. 

afternoon:

once in the office e was in a good mood. she was doing some required clean-up duties and i helped her a bit and also commended her on the newly organized bleach shelves. once in the office after about 40 minutes of work she announces that she's thinking of getting some coffee. in my head i'm thinking, <is that an invitation? is she just announcing it so i know she'll come back? but she's not leaving right now....>. i decide to test the waters again "oooh i think i want a coffee as well, i'll walk with you". it was a nice walk. i didn't even put on my jacket! the weather was beautiful, sunny and amazing. the slight wind caressed my head deliciously and i felt alive. we talked about biking and how it's still a bit too slushy, we also talked about t and his latest pub drama. when we got back we started talking about r and how she's hiking and then she asked me "should we do a spring break duluth hike this year?!" i told her that heck yeah, that i was definitely going even if she wasn't "are you going to rent a car?" and i said "def, unless i can convince someone else to come along". then she said we could invite all of our co-workers and make it like we've done our previous winter getaways. so we looked up places to stay and we sent the invites to peeps. 

a said that she would be out of town. m didn't respond. t said that he would go. r told me that she could go but it would be a stretch since she was visiting her family and wouldn't have the full week of quarantine prior to going as we'd like. so we'll see. if i'm honest with myself a trip with just t and e would be a challenge for me. they are a tornado of negativity some times. they also feed into each other. i would hope that they wouldn't make a trip that i use for meditation (being in the woods is awesome) into a trip full of complaints. maybe they wouldn't. but maybe they would and i would end up praying for another friend to hang out with. so please r or m, you're my only hope! (not really, i'm sure i can crank up my positivity to an 11 and cancel those two out).

At the end of the day she was heading home because her husband wanted to go for a walk. she asked me if i was staying longer and i thought because we were getting along it was an invitation to a ride home given that we live in the same building. it was not an invitation. she apparently had a large package in the passenger seat that couldn't be moved.so maybe she's not in an anti-david streak but definitely not in a  friendly-to-david streak.

evening/night:

i ended up feeling a little hurt. so i worked in the office until about 9pm. i only came home because i was hungry and with the promise of working after eating. i was also in a push to work because my mini boss once again asked me for progress on my work. argh! gimme some space man! but anyway tomorrow i have a meeting with him and so i wanted to have something so that he leaves me alone the rest of week. needless to say after dinner i was mentally checked out and i've decided to wake up early tomorrow and work then. hopefully i'll be able to do it. 

thoughts:

why do i care so much what e thinks about me? she's my friend and i do care about being in good standing but at some point i feel there's diminishing returns. sometimes i think our friendship is more like a one-sided thing? i don't know. i should think more about this, maybe i'm being selective in my memories.  

I also told myself today's entry would be one paragraph at most. i guess once i started writing....why can't it be like this for my academic papers? gah!