music cuts deep

 woke up ready for work. unsure of work for the company or for lab. however as i was gettign ready for my wfh time i get a snapschat of a highly organized circuit. it was beautiful. i replied with some line about how amazing it was. 

"i need to solder all of it still. want to help?"

do i want to help? i don't know. do you need help? are you asking? or are you giving me the chance to do your work?

i know the previous sentence sounds like i am salty about it. but i am not. maybe a bit. but it's because i don't understand the nature of our friendship. if r asked me that i would not even think about it. i would not care for the words or manner of asking for help. but with her i just don't know where she's coming from. i do enjoy helping her. i do want to help her. but am i just a tool for her? only nice when she needs something i can do for her? i don't know. 

so i went in to help her.

at first it was very serious, matter of fact work. i asked what she needed and she gave me a task, solder a bunch really tiny circuits. i went into the shop to work. i put on my music and went to work. cursing a little that the carefully manicured circuit design made for extremely delicate solder work. after about 40 minutes, she comes in bringing new stuff that also needs soldering. i had only done about 1/3 of the current board. we talked about the difficulty of the board and she offered to switch circuits. 

working together in the shop was fun. like in the old days of lab. she seemed relaxed and fun. when we had to walk about finding new tools, she would dance about and be all full of energy and life. little by little i was warming up to her and as the music kept playing she also started to sing. zas! that definitely cut through any gripes i could have had about her. she was singing and with emotion. she sang Taylor Swift, Queen, AND even Bruno Mars! she supposedly hates Bruno Mars. but here she was singing and dancing to him. knew all the words too. my friendship meter was full at this point. 

we ended trying to finish up as much as possible and we did about 90% of her project. it was getting late and we were both tired. then she started to get a little sullen. she felt like all the work that she's put into her circuits does not seem reflected in what she had in her hands. i tried to cheer her up by telling her that it's a very complex system she's developed. it looks small and sleek by her design. but it's got a lot of things going into it. she also has high standards of "manufacturing" and it all takes time. as we were getting ready to go there were some small awkward pauses. sort of like we were trying to read each others minds about asking/needing/offering a ride home. ultimately she did offer in a barely audible way "do you want me to ask q to give you a ride?". i said "nah thanks" and then proceeded to put on my jacket and head out. i thought about accepting the ride but the last time she could have given me a ride she had a package in the passenger seat and the backseats are off-limits (probably because she's got her dog's tarp over them). so i didn't want to give them the trouble. besides this is the second time she's mentioned q getting annoyed at picking her up if she's not fast and i don't want to be another annoyance in their lives. 

waiting for the train i did wish i could have annoyed them for that ride. it was extremely windy at my station and i was cold. then there was a problem and my train didn't arrive for about 36 minutes! gah! i ended up buying dinner and not making the trader joe's stuff i got over the weekend. 

tonight i finished my crochet chicken!!! things learned: 3 different crochet stitches, some fastening styles, putting pieces together. things that need to improve: everything, and how to properly stuff toys.

e offered me a ride to work tomorrow. i guess since we all have to be before 7 because of a possible donation it only makes sense. hopefully i can wake up on time. shit, it's already after midnight!!!!

thoughts:

i have now three chats on that dating app thing. everyone seems nice. nothing too exciting though. i think i'll call one coffee person, flash person, and busy person.

so far i've had virtual date with flash person, and a sunday date coming up with busy person. coffee person is the latest, just a conversation about coffee with her. 

it's funny. internet dating apps. you know people are actively seeking to date, so it feels weird, like you're pressured for something. i'll think more about it. 

I also realize that no matter how bleh i may be feeling about someone, if they sing with me i will definitely forgive and forget everything. music really cuts right into my heart.